Mayoral clutter brings speed-dating campaign advice

With more than a dozen candidates actively running for Portland mayor, voters can expect a bit of political clutter. But already a solution is emerging that offers both a format for debate and – finally! – guidance for candidates.

Maybe you noticed that an upcoming debate will open with candidates getting two minutes to give their names and brief remarks, then they will go to individual tables in the Portland Club ballroom where folks can stop by to chat.

(The Portland Club event will be held at 7 p.m. on Sept. 6 at 156 State St. The League of Young Voters has scheduled a forum from 7 p.m. to 9 p.m. on Sept. 8 at Peloton Labs, 195 Congress St.)

That’s right. Our first elected mayor since Hemingway haunted Paris cafes and we’re reduced to speed-date politics.

Meanwhile, the media will work to figure out who gets designation as top-tier candidates, an imperfect process involving an alchemy of fundraising, personal history and who we talked to last night at the pub. It’s not always 100 percent effective on either national or local levels.

Think not? Heard much about the high-polling, hard-hitting Republican presidetial hopeful Ron Paul?

But at least the speed-date model finally offers would-be mayors some guidance. Few of these grassroots candidates are employing political consultants or polling experts, so they can learn much from the rules of speed-dating. It was easy to find some “do and don’t” lists on the web.

You just have to translate from speed-date to politi-speak.

For example, in speed dating one site urges you to “be yourself!”

“It may seem like a bright idea at the time to be the dolphin trainer, or the supermodel you always wanted to be, but first impressions last,” says the dating advice.

Political translation: Be yourself, unless you suck. If, by some chance, you find yourself screaming Karl Rove quotes to convince your cross-town cousin to vote your way, then maybe it’s time to be somebody else. If you’re conservative, try to be Ronald Reagan, circa 1976. If you’re liberal, model after Al Gore but be prepared to demand a recount.

And one speed-date site notes that “speed dating is supposed to be a fun night out, not a trauma or an interview process for finding the love of your life.”

Politically, that translates into “running for mayor is supposed to be a fun process, not a trauma or an interview process for finding out your neighbors prefer some shallow half-wit without a clue to your platform of common sense solutions.”

Another speed-date no-no is “talking about yourself too much.” Politically, this is why Hillary Clinton launched her presidential campaign with a “listening tour.” Mostly, she listened to why people liked this upstart Senator Obama, but such listening is always valuable. In a Portland mayor’s race, of course, this is simplified by the fact that so many potential voters never shut the hell up anyway.

And my favorite advice is focused on the wise consumption of adult beverages. Some sites note that a drink or two before the speed-selection can leave you loose and conversational, while others warn of showing up drunk.

Says one site about alcohol: “Memory blanks, confessing undying love to everyone you've just met and spilling drinks all over yourself isn't gonna get the dates in!”

Well, first: Says you.

Secondly, it might be a refreshing change.

Drunk or not, the real take-away from this high-volume speed-campaigning process will no doubt involve the realization that people are flat-out insane. They will think you can solve the homeless problem, provide jobs, clean the streets and finally fix the city’s lame policy on no-parking street-maintenance nights when nobody is going to maintain anything.

So it's all about ideas, right?

The best idea to surface so far? It’s an idea for a fundraiser based on the last mayoral election: flapper night.

My guess is that it’s going to be involve alcohol, which was of course illegal in those days. It’s worth remembering that one of the reasons for that prohibition was, well, a Portland mayor.

(Curtis Robinson is founding editor of The Portland Daily Sun.)